How to Help Your Child Find Happiness

How to Help Your Child Find Happiness

I frequently hear parents tell me that they want their children to be happy. Surely, “happy” is a wonderful goal, but what is happy?

We all know that getting their way and providing them with sweets and gifts will bring them momentary joy but how will that prepare them to provide their own happiness as adults? Perhaps a better long-term goal should be helping your child feel confident, secure, compassionate and moderate. According to developmental experts our children need to be able to feel, identify and express the full range of emotions, including contentment, sadness, anger, frustration, disappointment and empathy.

Sometimes the path to happiness can cause temporary unhappiness in our children, but in the long run provide them with a safe, warm, and intimate environment. They need to see that unhappiness is temporary and that they are loved before, during and after the event.

We tend to forget how blank our children’s slates are. Our life experiences make certain things seems obvious to us, but are totally unknown and foreign to our children. What seems a clear choice to us, isn’t to them. We need to be brief, concise, obvious and CONCRETE with little ones. Too many words can be confusing can be confusing. Keep it simple and clear. Set concrete limits, boundaries and consequences. Be specific. Vague limits and consequences leave children confused and overwhelmed, this can lead to increased acting-out and/or anxiety caused by the stress of not knowing what to do, but having been told to do something. Clear, defined boundaries and consequences help them feel secure and in control of some aspects of their own lives. Be nurturing – but firm.

Identification and expression of emotions seems hokey, but a child who doesn’t know what they’re feeling, can’t express them, and therefore must carry them around with them. These emotions will continue to build up until the child finds some way (appropriate or inappropriate) to express them. Acknowledge you child’s feelings, give them names, and give them specific, acceptable ways to express them. Frustration is a common emotion for children. There are so many things they’d like to do but can’t due to physical or social limitations. It’s never too soon to let a child learn how to positively deal with feelings of frustration or simply to accept that feeling. But first, you must let them experience it. Don’t protect them from it, let them experience it and then help them cope with it. After a while, it won’t seem like such a big deal to them.

Happiness is not about supplying gratification all the time (an impossible goal which will ultimately leave the child unhappy when mom and dad can no longer keep up the pace). It is about finding ways for the child to gratify him/herself through accomplishment, delay or degree of importance.

  • Give the child the chance to accomplish things him/herself.
  • Give them concrete boundaries and consequences.
  • Give him/her the time to work it out for him/herself.
  • It’s okay to feel frustrated.
  • Give them the opportunity to earn a privilege.
  • Give them the opportunity to make mistakes and learn it’s okay.

AND DON’T FORGET THE HUGS AND KISSES!

—————————————————————

Lori Pink, LCSW, BCD is a Board Certified Clinical Social Worker with over 20 years’ experience in psychotherapy and helping families cope and thrive. 

Psychological Strategies, LLP